You have to submit it to the Transportation Safety Board (motto: “Jelly is a liquid too!”). Only the TSA would think this after investigating the dystopian hellscape of self-checkout supermarkets. We should try that at airports so passengers can do their own security scans!”
Sorry, but eliminating terrorists at airports requires human intervention, no matter how painful it is for all of us. This is like having to wait for the bag boy to confirm “oh, you're old” to buy booze, or removing the charge for artichokes when you meant to press an avocado. It's not the same. Because artichokes are a stupid amount of work and a terrible job. As everyone knows, ROI.
On the other hand, I could have used this self-scan last week when a TSA agent gruffly informed me that I had been randomly selected…
“Upgrade to first class! That's great!” Oh. That wasn't what she said.
“…even harder spanking. Would you like to go somewhere more private?” she asked, I swear. Do you have a cigarette after that? Hmm.
She put on some fresh blue gloves and said a little aggressively that she was going to touch my “crotch” area. She didn't know that this could happen to women too.
While we were both staring at the ceiling and thinking about Milwaukee, she ran her hand down the inside of my thigh and said, nonchalantly, “This is for the government.” did. Fortunately, my thighs and what I thought was my “groin area” passed the test and we were able to move on with our lives.
The new U-Scan against terrorism (my name, not theirs) is being tested in Las Vegas before being rolled out to airports across the country. Side note: Why can't they name Celine Dion International Airport instead of longtime politician Harry Reid's name? It's Vegas Baby! I also suspect that most of the passengers who fly out of that airport are too hungover to fill out a luggage tag, much less go through the sensitive security scan themselves.
The TSA has been surprisingly candid about the pilot program, acknowledging that it is supposed to make travel “faster and safer,” but that the jury is still out on whether that's true.
In addition to scanning themselves, suspicious carry-on bags are sent onto a conveyor belt for inspection by TSA agents at a remote location. TSA agents can laugh out loud at the ridiculous things they find in your luggage. It's not mine, it's yours. You should really be ashamed.
A “virtual agent” will greet passengers and answer questions through a live chat feature. I'm going to miss the hilariously loud and always mean TSA agent who would yell, “If you're wearing a hoodie, take it off!” Please take it off!
He's the rare traveler who doesn't suddenly feel that much older, even when he's yelled at by the TSA's “welcome committee.” You just want him to stop screaming at you.
I decided to upgrade my seat on the flight home, mainly because it took my 6-foot-4-inch husband 20 minutes to get blood circulation back to his legs after I had chosen an “economy class” ticket. That was the reason. Naturally, I ended up feeling hopelessly cramped in a far row while dealing with a large seatmate who – I swear this is true – He lifted the arm of the seat between us and shamelessly fell asleep with his “right side” directly in front of my rightful seat.
We found that sitting together in the exit row with more legroom and free cocktails would cost $70 per person. It didn't occur to me until I took a few sips of his OJ and cracked open the champagne that it occurred to me how weird it was to hand out free drinks to the people who had just been given the responsibility of getting everyone off the plane safely. It was.
Does the wheel that opens the door turn left or right? Doesn't matter. It's Boeing. It just flies away on its own.
