Disclaimer: Mild mention of cannibalism. No fictional characters were cooked, nibbled or ingested during the writing of this article.
With Cooking Week still in its infancy, Game Developers editors got together to discuss how they could highlight the latest, greatest, and most iconic cooking titles to have graced our screens over the years.
Brainstorming is hard, so I put my brain into high gear and quickly thought about what to have for dinner that night. Then it hit me: What if I could eat video game characters? What would they taste like? How would I prepare them? Would they go well with a good wine?
After conducting a series of morally questionable but scientifically accurate thought experiments, I think I have some answers. Grab your plates and come with us on a revelatory culinary journey that's almost certain to win you a Pulitzer Prize.
Pac-Man
Image courtesy of Bandai Namco
Here we have a creature that screams “Bake in the oven for 20 minutes and dip some fresh sourdough into my sticky earthy center.” Don't be fooled by the name, Pac-Man is far from human. What we actually have is a thinking human Camembert, a sentient cheese wheel imbued with the aromas that can only be achieved by eating evil spirits and the souls of various fruits. If you can lure him out of the maze, you'll have an eye-catching centerpiece that's sure to get your dinner party guests talking. Pair with a pinot noir to enjoy.
Bullborbs
Image courtesy of Nintendo
I want to lick this one anyway. This may sound like a bizarre, career-ending confession, but hear me out. Extensive research on the brumbobs has revealed that not only are these strange alien creatures that devour pikmin and are nocturnal, but they are also likely amphibious and immeasurably diverse. Like the humble frogs and toads that call our world home, I believe brumbobs must produce a powerful toxin capable of delivering a transcendent high or a painful death. Just look at the size of their pupils. You mean the creature never tried its own food? Say what you want, DA.
Far-fetched
Image courtesy of Pokemon.com
This baby is a walking, squealing, two-for-one deal. Not only do you get plump chunks of chicken that seem to pair well with a slathering of Kanto's finest hoisin sauce, but this boisterous baby is guaranteed to come with a vegetable garnish. Bulbapedia isn't sure if Farfetch'd is carrying spring onions or leeks, but it doesn't matter. The best chefs are adaptable, and we're the best at it. Duck pancakes, I choose you.
Tutu
Image from Zelda Wiki (eientei95)
Ah, nature's stock cube. Perfect for mixing into stews or bolognese to enhance its core flavor. The bulbous eyes are a bit off-putting, so it's best to remove them before serving. Any dumbass in a tunic would be up to the task. What's left is a powerful shot of pure, undiluted Hylian seasoning. Once you've reached culinary nirvana, you're sure to scream “Yeeeaah!”
dizzy
Image from Wikipedia (Fair Use)
He is an egg.
Giant enemy crab
Image from Noclip Game History Archive
On my plate from E3 2006. The best thing about the giant enemy crab (based on the Japanese historical figure of the same name) is that it spawned a ton of memes and made for an influential video game that no one will ever forget. Genji: Days of the SwordThe second best thing about the giant enemy crab is how it tastes when drenched in creamy mayonnaise and stuffed into a buttery brioche roll.
Q*bert
Image from Wikipedia (screenshot taken by user Spottedowl)
What is Q*bert? An isometric cube hopper trapped in the void of space. Well, yeah. But he can do a lot more. Specifically, Q*bert is A prime candidate for popcorn, Q*berts are deep-fried in the finest oils to create a crunchy, slightly nutty snack that's perfect for movie night on the couch. Salty? Sweet? Or a mix of both? Treat yourself, loud fiend.
Slippy Toad
Image courtesy of Nintendo
I know frogs are considered a delicacy in some places, but I think we need to cast our net wider. Is there any reason why no one would want to eat a space-faring, intelligent toad? Look at that plump thing. High in protein and probably all kinds of fatty acids. Wait until the shields are gone, then pop it in the deep fryer. Cook until crispy, and serve with spicy mayonnaise. The galaxy's loss is our taste buds' gain.
Cucco
Image from Koei Tecmo Wiki / YouTube
The best thing about Kyukkos is that they're so docile. Just pick up one and bring it into your kitchen. No hassle, no fuss. Even after it devours the meat of Hyrule's most prevalent bird, there are no repercussions. At all. Huh? Were you listening?
Executive
Image from Unsplash
These eccentric characters have been preying on the industry's best and brightest minds for decades, gobbling up their work and spitting it out to satisfy the demands of insatiable shareholders. Like the best foie gras on earth, the raising of these bloated livestock is often the result of reprehensible methods, but hopefully the end result is worth savoring. Let's prey on the rich, baby.
