This work is completely satirical as part of the April Fool's edition Trinibonian.
Last year, I wrote an article about my efforts to bring positive change to Swashbucklers through a benevolent iron grip. However, shortly after writing this article, two of my co-captain's boyfriends attempted to kill me, and I began to question my policy decisions.
Fortunately, due to the shrewd loyalty of my only vice-captain, Joan McWomahon, who was as crazy as me, I was able to survive and remain in power. After making the traitors walk the plank off the balcony and permanently strand them on top of the air conditioner outside, I knew I needed a change in strategy.
Initially, I thought of demilitarizing the Swashbuckler, but after forcefully and accidentally invading and occupying North Hall and Isabel Hall, I decided not to have unrealistic expectations for myself and to maintain my mental health. I decided to focus on.
I was pondering again my rapidly expanding collection of statues of famous pirates when a sudden epiphany occurred to me. If I took over SGA, I would be able to protect myself by governing the Swashbucklers from afar, and SGA would argue internally over bragging rights and other than say shit about the Trinibonians in the group. Most people won't notice because they don't do anything but chat anyway.
When I announced this plan to Swashbucklers, unexpectedly, the entire organization immediately rallied behind me, so it went better than I could have imagined. On our way to Dicke Hall, we passed Congressman Bralison Brinker, who was handing out flyers trying to get one vote total in the upcoming SGA presidential election, so we took him hostage and took him to the SGA meeting, which had just begun. It broke in.
When we entered the meeting with Brinker at sword point, we were hopeful that the hostages would soon allow us to take over SGA. But when the senators cheered, we realized it wasn't working. “My father is going to hear about this!” he yelled, and we let go of the blinkers. Then he pointed his sword at everyone else. The senators were thrown into chaos and fear, spilling Chipotle burrito bowls all over the floor.
Focard Dagina tried to cope with his fear by drinking 37 plastic bottles, but then left to throw them into the sea. Congresswoman Vera Harponit begged us for mercy, saying she had eaten pirate food for the first time at one of our events. She joined our side after promising an SGA ice cream machine under my administration, but we had swords and they didn't, so it doesn't matter anyway So we almost won right away.
No one has challenged my rules since I locked President Manny Winn in the closet with a mysterious blonde wig and a Spurs jersey (which doesn't concern me). McWomahon, who is quickly becoming my personal Marcus Agrippa, put out a funding request for the entire SGA budget, which I fully funded. This allowed construction to begin on a massive cannon aimed directly at the University of the Incarnate Word (UIW). Hopefully, the funds this voluntarily withdraws from his UIW will bring an era of peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.
As for other business, I have banned SGA inbreeding because the prevalence of SGAcest relationships has lasted too long for my liking. Comrade Burfis, the Treasurer, coughed into my face in protest of this policy and tried to start a biological war, but thanks to my extensive exposure to the horrors of Myrtle McFarlin Hall's ventilation system, I became free from all kinds of diseases.
I also issued some money from testing cannons in the Oval Office to the Trinibonians to become the Swashbuckler's official propaganda force. I also tried to incorporate Trinity's underground conservative publication “The Tower'' into the propaganda department, but they were just so racist that they had to be “addressed''.
Overall, I'm very happy with how my dictatorship is progressing, and I think that by the time I graduate, Swashbuckler University will be the envy of higher education institutions around the world. After all, in Blackbeard's words, “They hate us because they're not us.” He actually said that, and for that matter, the new required pirate history major You can learn everything once you install it.